Palmer Family Chronicles: Reminiscing

I have been a bit of a "downer" the past few weeks. The reason? Well, because November 5th is right around the corner. On November 5th I return to work. I hope I do not come across as selfish, unappreciative or lazy... I am none of those things. I am just a mama with a natural desire to spend all of my time nurturing my new baby. I am grateful to God for allowing me to be healthy enough to work and for a wonderful job. I am fully aware that there are tons of people in America unable to work and unable to find a job. But, ever since I was a little girl, I had very simple dreams. My dreams were to grow up, become a teacher, meet the man of my dreams, and become a mother. Thankfully, all of my dreams have come true. It just doesn't feel right to me to leave my small baby and go to work. It just doesn't feel natural. I mean think about it.... He has only been in this world for four months... Everything is so new. To me, this time is so delicate. So fragile. I have been reading a lot about it and despite what people keep telling me, I am not crazy for feeling this way. I still want to be a teacher. There isn't another job out there that has all the benefits for a mother as a teacher does. I love teaching. I love the school I teach at. I love the students. I love the faculty. So, its not like I never want to return to work. I just want to take this time and be with Sumner. But, as of right now, it isn't possible. Who knows what the future holds....

I have been reminiscing about the past 4 1/2 months now that I know this time in my life is about to end. I wish I didn't look at as "ending" and instead think of it as a "new beginning" but I can't help it. I just cannot put into words what I am feeling in my heart. I cannot make anyone understand how wonderful the past few months have been. The only way I can make sense of it is by saying that I have never felt so happy and so complete as I do right now. You know how they say everyone has a calling? Well, I feel like I have found mine, and that is for me to be a mother. It didn't start off like this...

At first, I was so overwhelmed that I actually considered going back to work when Sumner was 6 week old. I thought returning to school would give me structure and a schedule which is what I like and what I am use to. But, I didn't go back, and I will NEVER regret it! About the time Sumner was 9 weeks old I started getting the hang of the mommy thing! My love for him grew and grew and grew and I could tell his love for me was growing too! Mama, who had been helping me so much, went back to work which left me alone to do it myself. This was the best thing that could have happened. It forced me to learn to be independent, and becoming independent helped me to learn so much about Sumner. I can remember talking to a friend who had a baby a few months older than Sumner. She seemed like she had it all together! She knew her babies cries and exactly what he needed all the time. I thought I would never have it all together like she did, but I was wrong! Once I was left alone to care for him I had his needs and wants down pat. I learned his cries. I learned the things to do to make him happy. I was able to tell when he was sleepy, bored, or just needed to be held. Once I was able to identify these things I became confident in my ability to be a mother.

I will never forget the very first time I felt "normal" again. Not the "old normal" I was before Sumner, but the "new normal" I am now. It was a Tuesday. Sumner was 2 months old. The cleaning lady came and we left so she could work. I didn't have anywhere to go, so I just packed his diaper bag with things I knew he would need for a few hours and off to town we went. First, we went to WalMart. I didn't need anything. I just enjoy walking around and looking at all the baby stuff! Next, we went to Big Lots. Again, I didn't need anything, I just wanted to look at the rugs! Then, we went to K-Mart to look at their baby stuff! Sumner got hungry so I walked around feeding him. He wouldn't hardly take his bottle because he was so intrested in seeing all the bright things! This was the first time I really noticed him noticing things! He especially got happy when we went through the toy aisle. I think it must have been all of the bright colors! I don't know what it was, but I remember telling my mama that night how I felt so connected with Sumner that day. Somehow we bonded on our little excursion. Maybe it was because it was the first time I had been out with him alone or maybe it was because he was at the age he started smiling and becoming "more alive".... I don't know.... But I do know that from that moment on I didn't want to be away from him and its been that way ever since!

The rest of our days have been spent doing basically the same routine... We would wake up around 6:00-7:00. That was the BEST!!! He always wakes up with a smile that will light up a room. I would change his diaper, lotion him down, play, talk, kiss!!! Mornings are what I am going to miss the most. I would change him out of his pj's and feed him his first bottle. Next, if my friend Katie Thompson was off, we would meet at the track in Omega and run. I am going to miss that, too! Not the running, but the bonding we had! We learned so much about each other on those runs, and I truly gained a new and close friend! Sumner would take a nap either while we were running or fall asleep on the way home. If I was lucky, he would take a good 1-2 hour nap. Then, we would play some more at home! He loved to walk around outside or sit on our screen porch. He went with me everywhere! I bit my words, too.... I use to say I wouldn't "spoil" my children by holding them all the time, but boy I sure have... But I don't call it spoiling! I mean, come on, their BABIES! I think our problem in society is we try too hard to make them grow up too fast and conform to our needs and wants. I know there will come a time that I will need to stop things, but I do not think he is at that age now! Anyway, back to my story.... when I say he went everywhere with me, I mean everywhere... including the bathroom! haha! That boy was and still is stuck to my hip and I love it! We would run errands together...I didn't get anyone to watch him so I could do things in town. Everywhere I went, he went too! In the afternoons we had lunch dates with his daddy and sweet naps on the couch. If Matthew got home early enough, we would go on walks around our house. We were so cheesy! As we would walk, Matthew and I was sing songs we remembered from our childhood to Sumner. At night, we would give him a bath, read him a book, say prayers and put him to sleep. The days were so sweet but went by way to fast.

While I have been out from work I have had time to do a lot of things I don't think I will have time to do once I go back. For example, I have taken about 1000 pictures...No Joke! Not only have I taken the pictures but I have printed them out and been keeping up with them in photo albums. I have also stayed up with his baby book which sounds easy but isn't! There are a lot of details in that thing! I also made a one of those "Mixbook" books which consisted of all the information from my blogs about my pregnancy all the way to Sumner's birth. The book got delivered today and as of right now it is my most prized posession. I plan on making another one which will include all of my blogs about his first year! I have also read a TON of literature about babies! Why I didn't read them before, I have no idea! Some of the books include:

* The Baby Book

* The Portable Pediatrician

* The Discipline Book

*The Happiest Baby Guide to Great Sleep

*The No Cry Sleep Solution

*Healthy Sleeping Habits, Healthy Child

*Baby Wise

*Super Foods Children

I also spent I don't know how much time reading things on the Internet! The first three books are by a Christian Pediatrician and a father of eight. His name is Dr. William Sears. I loved all of his books. He has several more that I plan on reading too. I didn't care too much for Healthy Sleeping Habits, Healthy Child or Baby Wise because they are both advocates for letting babies cry it out at an early age and I just couldn't do it. I don't judge anyone who does... It just wasn't for me!

Some things that will always remind me of this part of my life are:

*Peanut butter and gummy bears (I ate them every single night watching tv with Matthew or during my midnight wake ups with Sumner)

*TV Shows: The Week the Women Went, The Bachlorette, & Home and Family

*Movies: The Hunger Games and October Baby

*Places: YMCA, Omega track, K-Mart, the yogurt place in Tifton

*Other: Sumner's adorable sneezes, bashful smiles, sweet toes, and sparkling eyes

I went to work today to prepare for when I go back for good.... As I was driving I looked in my rear view mirror... habit I guess... and Sumner wasn't there! He has always been there because he goes everywhere I go....When I got home all I had time to do was spend about 2 hours with him being awake... The rest of the time he was either napping or asleep for the night. The two hours he was awake was spent giving him a bath and getting ready for bed. We didn't get much play time at all. It was like a slap in the face of what life will be back when I do go back! Ugghh I just hate the thought! But, I know I will survive. Many mothers before me have raised perfectly fine families and worked at the same time...

So, here I am in tears, because I am one week from returning to work. I am going to miss my days with him more than I can say. I am thankful for the time God has allowed us to be together and I will cherish them for the rest of my life. I have never been one to handle change very well, and leaving him is the worse and hardest change I am going to have to adjust to. Please, keep me in your prayers as I go through this transition!